Case in point: back in September, Stephen brought in some “pretty beer girls” to serve the troops during a special, week-long military appreciation edition of The Colbert Report, culminating in a guest appearance by Vice President Joe Biden as a hot dog vendor:

This was followed the next day by a sexy dude dressed in a hot dog suit, “for the lady troops”:

Naturally, PETA was not pleased:

[Neither was I - that is, when I watched the show many a month later (it aired when I was on vacation in NY) - but I didn't see fit to write a press release about it. It doesn't take a marketing genius to know that the general public will view this as so much opportunistic bandwagon-jumping and/or an "attack" on the troops. YOU MUST SUPPORT THE TROOPS AT ALL COSTS! BY WHICH I MEAN NEVER EVER NEVER QUESTION A MOVE MADE BY THE U.S. MILITARY! Like duh.]

Anyhow, I promise to be better in keeping up with this stuff in the New Year. In this vein, I come bearing two more recent clips:

On Monday’s show, Stephen did an “exposé” of Caboodle Ranch, “The Enemy Within.” Located in Lee, Florida, the 30-acre feline rescue group provides sanctuary to 650 cats – and counting. Founder Craig Grant hopes to expand the rescue to over 1,000 cats before the end of 2011; as Stephen points out, “that’s three cats for every throat in the town of Lee.”

SCARY!

Also on Monday, The Daily Show featured a piece on San Francisco’s Happy Meal “ban” (scare quotes because it’s not a ban per se; toys in kid’s meals are still allowed, just as long as the meal in question meets certain nutritional requirements). Libertarians especially will enjoy Aasif Mandvi’s interview with San Francisco Councilman Eric Mar, which includes a rather sizable nailing (starting at 3:02).

Regardless of your opinion on this specific piece of legislation, it’s largely symbolic; a band-aid where a tourniquet is needed. While advertising targeted at children is problematic, the so-called “Happy Meal Ban” still fails to tackle much larger issues, many of which are structural in nature: artificially cheap meat, dairy and egg products due to taxpayer-funded subsidies, both overt (farm aid) and hidden (lax environmental regulations and enforcement); the concentration of cheap, fast food joints in low-income urban areas, coupled with the dearth of grocers in the same; inadequate school funding – again, particularly in low-income areas, which lack the tax bases of wealthier districts – that in turn negatively impacts the school lunch menu; cultural attitudes which hold that children inherently dislike healthy foods, particularly fruits and vegetables, thus acting as self-fulfilling prophecies; etc., etc., etc.

That said, this nerd would love a Crappy Meal, preferably with a Hillary Clinton action figure. The recording should play nothing but her shrill, castrating, cackle of a laugh, which in its bitchy abandon is music to this man-hating feminist’s ears. It can even double as a rape defense device, seeing as how the mere sound of Hill’s voice has the power to make a man’s junk shrivel up and fall off. Better than a rape whistle, yo.

That’s my take, anyhow. What say you?

—————–

Videos in this post:

The Colbert Report, Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Been There, Won That – Joe Biden & Yogi Berra
Joe Biden serves hot dogs to the returning troops, Stephen introduces the greatest toilet on Earth, and Yogi Berra determines when the Iraq war will be over. (09:07)

The Colbert Report, Thursday, September 9, 2010
Been There, Won That – Jim Webb
Stephen thanks the veterans with a sexy hot dog man and tries to get them jobs, with Jim Webb’s help. (07:16)

The Colbert Report, Tuesday, September 14, 2010
PETA Criticizes Joe Biden
Vice President Joe Biden handed out hot dogs to America’s returning troops, not meat. (02:34)

The Colbert Report, Monday, January 3, 2011
The Enemy Within – Caboodle Ranch
In Lee, Florida, Craig Grant trains his 650 cats to take over America’s government, law enforcement and failing schools. (05:32)

The Daily Show, Monday January 3, 2011
Daily Show: Mandvi – San Francisco’s Happy Meal Ban
After San Francisco bans toys from Happy Meals, Aasif Mandvi introduces kids to the brand new Crappy Meal.

Though it’s taken me far too long, here’s the promised writeup of Claire Danes’s February 10th appearance on The Colbert Report.

Seeing as Danes was making the rounds in support of her new biopic, Temple Grandin, I expected to come away from this interview with a knot of frustration and anger in my stomach. In fact, I actually put off watching it for this very reason. (Which is no small feat for a fangirl of my caliber, I tell you what!) Happily, as with the Foer interview, I was pleasantly surprised by Stephen’s treatment of the subject matter.

As you can see in the video (and partial transcript) below, Stephen plays the devil’s (animals’, really) advocate, maintaining a healthy dose of skepticism in the face of claims about Grandin’s “affinity” for and “love” of nonhuman animals. He equates killing and eating cows with killing and eating dogs, to horrifically comical effect. And, best of all, the phrase “animal rights” is not uttered once, in contrast to reports of previous appearances in which Danes praised Grandin as an “animal rights advocate” – and, likewise, described herself as a supporter of animal rights (their right not to be killed and eaten seemingly aside).

[On a side note - Dear fluffyfun "green" and/or vegetarian celebrity gossip sites: can y'all please stop referring to Grandin as an "animal rights activist"? She is no such thing, and to refer to her brand of "advocacy" as rights-based is to shift the entire debate towards the exploitative. And your thoughts on welfare reform? Totally irrelevant. This is a factual dispute, not a matter of opinion. Thanks much!]

While I hadn’t intended to write such a lengthy transcript, once I started typing, I couldn’t stop. Stephen’s quips – and Danes’s reactions – are just that good. If you can, you really need to watch the video to fully appreciate Danes’s flailing responses to Stephen’s gentle-yet-snarky nudging.

It’s all after the jump, yo.

Danes: “[S]he’s also really interested in animals and animal science and designed a system in which cows would walk calmly to their deaths – so they wouldn’t be mistreated and prodded and it was also really economically efficient for the cattle industry.” [...]

Colbert: “So I have her to thank for my constant intake of beef.”

“Yes, you do! You do!”

“So it’s really kind of a pro-business story, isn’t it?”

“Exactly, yeah. It is, is it.”

“Does she – does she – does she…empathize with the cow?”

“Yeah, I think to a certain extent…[in response to audience laughter]…well, yes, she wants very much for them to have a good experience while they’re alive. She doesn’t want them to suffer.”

“Yes, ‘a good experience’ until it becomes ‘the worst possible experience.’” [Here, Danes laughs along with the audience, seemingly at the absurdity of her own - and/or Grandin's - logic.] “Because I empathize with my dog, and I’m not sure whether my idea of expressing my affection would be to open a puppy slaughter house.”

“Yeah, I know. I mean, I know it seems kind of paradoxical, but, but, yeah, she believes that while they’re here, we have a responsibility to make sure that they have…a good time.”

Videos in this post

The Colbert Report – Wednesday, February 10, 2010 – Claire Danes
Claire Danes describes her role as an autistic woman who designed a system where cows can walk easily to their death. (05:51)
 

Even before the flakes settled, right-wing pundits were pointing to the snowstorms that have slammed the East Coast this year as evidence that “global warming”

[CLIMATE CHANGE! Temperatures may or may not rise depending on one's geographic location, air and ocean currents, etc. In fact, some scientists worry that melting polar ice caps might actually plunge the northeastern U.S. and northwestern European coasts into a mini-ice age. Global warming does not mean that every location on earth will resemble a sauna! End: rant.]

is a hoax and/or has been definitely discredited. Naturally, these gleeful squeals of triumph are usually accompanied by multiple smug, self-serving jabs at Al Gore. (Because the man IS global warming itself, dontchaknow! And I say this as a vegan with her own complex, ambivalent feelings towards the meat-guzzling Gore.)

Anyhow, both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had a little fun at the expense of these climate change deniers – and in back-to-back shows, at that. While I don’t have time to type up transcripts, I have embedded the videos below, after the jump. (Too many videos on the main page makes Firefox crash. I blame Comedy Central and its clunky video formats. IBCC!)

In an upset, I think The Daily Show staff did a better job lampooning this story than did The Colbert Report. Although, they were short one Snoopy sketch….

 
Videos in this post

The Daily Show – Wednesday February 10, 2010 – Unusually Large Snowstorm
Aasif Mandvi freezes in New York, Sam Bee feels the heat in Australia, and Jason Jones reports on the darkness everywhere.

The Colbert Report – Wednesday, February 10, 2010 – We’re Off to See the Blizzard
Based on the latest data from the Dopplest 9000 radar, Stephen can only assume that the sun has been destroyed. (04:09)

Admittedly, this is rather old news, but Jonathan Safran Foer appeared on The Colbert Report last Monday in order to discuss – what else? – Eating Animals.

[Initially, I was going to group Foer's interview with those of Claire Danes and John Durant in one big "(happy) meat peddlers" video roundup, but the Foer and Danes interviews proved a pleasant surprise - and not because of the guests! - so a dedicated post for everyone! Except for you, Durant. You're kind of a douche, and you make this galactosemic lady feel a bit like one, too. (It's not the same as lactose intolerance, but it's close enough.) But anyway, that's the backstory behind my procrastination. End: digression.]

The interview was about as frustrating as I expected on Foer’s end, e.g.,

* “I wouldn’t necessarily say you should become a vegetarian [...] I would say you should eat less meat.”

* [When asked if he would eat a hot dog] “Maybe the hot dogs they made 50 years ago.” (as opposed to those produced today)

To his credit, Foer does manage to stay on message and squeeze in a number of pertinent facts re: animal agriculture, however, in downplaying the need for vegetarianism, he negates whatever points he may have scored with the audience. (i.e., if animal cruelty is wrong, and even “happy meat” products are cruel…go vegetarian on Mondays after 6 PM? Say what now?)

And veganism? Fuhgeddaboudit! The word “vegan” was not uttered once during the entire 5+ minute interview.

Luckily, in his quest to be the most ridiculous caricature of a self-delusional meat-eater he could be, Colbert provided some of the more trenchant quips in the exchange. To wit:

* “I pay the top dollar for my free-range chicken and my cage-free veal and my non-hormone beef and my un-clubbed seal meat. What more do you want?!”

* [When told by Foer that free-range and similar labeling is "BS"] “No, free-range means that the chickens get up in the morning and they run over fields. Fields of flowers! And then at the end of the day they make love, and from this lovemaking one single egg emerges. And then – shhhhh! – when they’re asleep, cuddling with each other, a little pillow talk, the farmer comes in and takes the one egg – making sure that it’s not fertilized! – and puts it under a lamp. And then he coddles it, and he puts it, and he…air, through a jet, and it comes…to the supermarket.”

Genius! And to think, Jon Stewart gets the lion’s share of liberal media love. Sniff.

Anyhow, I was unable to find a full transcript online, but I have embedded the video below. Enjoy, but be forewarned: Colbert ends the interview with a plate of bacon. Probably he’s mocking the many recent bacon trends, but it’s a gross display nonetheless. (I can tolerate your Catholicism, Stephen, but if we’re ever to be married, you’ve got to give up the sentient stuff.)

Videos in this post

The Colbert Report – Monday, February 8, 2010 – Jonathan Safran Foer
Jonathan Safran Foer says the U.S. farm system is perfectly antithetical to American values. (05:22)

Caution: Spoilers ahead!

No stranger to the Green Scare, the latest episode of CBS’s The Mentalist (Season 2, Episode 12 – the appropriately titled “Bleeding Heart“) featured a terra-inducing plot line, complete with a proposed mega-development in the wilderness, government corruption and intrigue, and a graffiti-and-arson-loving eco-terrorist named Jasper.

Here’s what you need to know, via TVOvermind:

The Mentalist “Bleeding Heart” begins with Agent Teresa Lisbon (Robin Tunney) and consultant Patrick Jane (Simon Baker) being interviewed by a camera crew in the CBI office. [...]

Lisbon allows the crew access to the office and bullpen, but not the crime scene. The team is investigating the murder of the mayor’s aide, who was found when the mayor herself broke ground in front of the cameras for a new development project. When they interview Mayor Melba Walker Shannon (Sharon Lawrence of Privileged and NYPD Blue) and her assistant Wilson (Firefly‘s Sean Maher), Jane notices immediately that the mayor seems uncomfortable talking about the victim. When he presses, the mayor asks them to leave.

A possible perpetrator of the crime is an environmental group led by a man named Jasper. Though they’ve burned down buildings on protective land and other drastic measures, they haven’t committed any murder in their past history. Rigsby and Cho pay a visit to the foreman on the building site where the aide’s body was discovered, but while they’re questioning him, the trailer gets firebombed and the door jammed. The foreman is injured and Rigsby and Cho barely make it out with him before the place burns up. It’s clear to them that Jasper is escalating in violence.

Further investigation leads the team to suspect that the mayor was being bribed to approve projects on previously protected lands.

The investigation continues, yada yada yada, Jane takes the news crew out for tacos by way of an apology for exploding at them earlier – and is promptly kidnapped by Jasper and his crew:

Jane is blindfolded and led to a cabin in the woods. His blindfold is removed and he’s confronted by the masked men, one of whom he surmises is eco-terrorist Jasper. Jasper wants Jane to carry a message that he’s not the one who committed murder or attempted to kill the detectives. Unfortunately Jane reveals that he’s figured out Jasper’s identity–the mayor’s assistant Wilson. [...]

While Jasper tries to decide what to do now that Jane knows his identity, Jane tries to talk his way out of his own possible murder, saying he can help Wilson. He succeeds in getting Wilson to a near state of hypnosis, when they’re suddenly interrupted by a loud shout that the house is surrounded by law enforcement personnel. Jane urges Jasper to stay calm. When Lisbon and the cops burst in, Jane is alone and restrained and Jasper has escaped out of a trap door.

On The Mentalist, the most obvious suspect never turns out to be the murderer – and “Bleeding Heart” is no exception. Despite the murderer’s obvious attempts to frame the eco-terrorists, in the end, Jane is onto Martha’s killer:

Mike [the news reporter] confesses that he’d been begging the aide for information about possible corruption in the mayor’s office–that the scoop could make his career. She wouldn’t tell him a thing, but then one day he discovered an expose she was writing about the mayor. Jealous and enraged at her cutting him out of the story, and pushed over the edge when she started mocking him, he killed her.

Jane remained true to his word to help Wilson. Due to the way he handled things, Wilson is able to cut a deal with the DA in exchange for information about the mayor’s corruption.

As with the series’s previous animal rights themed episodes, I was rather unimpressed with The Mentalist‘s treatment of eco-terrorism. While not the killer, Wilson/Jasper is portrayed at turns as a super-spy (infiltrating the enemy’s lair, gaining her trust, and persuading Martha to break the bribery story) and a bumbling fool (committing one crime in a sorry attempt to convince law enforcement that he’s innocent of another, thus revealing his true identity in the process). Additionally, while Jasper is no killer and in fact abhors physical/bodily violence, it’s strongly implied that Jasper is (reluctantly) willing to kill Jane to prevent his secret from getting out. Smart/foolhardy, crafty/sloppy, violent/pacifist – pick a side, we’re at war! (Lazy writing, perhaps?)

Also dubious is how Lisbon manages to track down Jane. CBI hauls in one of Jasper’s known associates for questioning – which basically involves Cho and Rigsby threatening bodily harm. As one reviewer puts it, “he folds like a card table, giving away the location of Jasper’s cabin.” From “green warrior” to snitch in less than 60 seconds. As if. (Possible, yes, but not bloody likely. Government harassment and repression of activists and dissidents is all-too common, such that I have trouble believing that an ELF member wouldn’t be able to withstand a little posturing, at the very least.)

Likewise, at one point during his kidnapping, Jane drops this eye-roller:

It’s a good rule of thumb to avoid doing things that require wearing a mask. And you’re such a handsome fellow too.

Now, Jane’s a smart, astute, observant guy – and in the season and a half that he’s been rolling with the CBI, he’s seen his colleagues do some illegal, unconstitutional shit. He’s enticed them into doing some illegal, unconstitutional shit. Hell, he’s done plenty of illegal, unconstitutional shit himself. Assault, breaking and entering, illegal search and seizure; Jane even wiretapped the CBI. In short, he should know much, much better than this.** Activists choose to remain anonymous for a number of reasons – including protecting themselves from government-sponsored “terrorism.”

So, as with the previous plot lines involving animal advocacy and terrorism, this episode of The Mentalist is a wash. While the show doesn’t buy into popular narratives of activists as misanthropic criminals, it doesn’t upend them, either. Also, only 38 episodes into the series, and 3 have featured animal rights and/or eco-terrorist themes – a rather high percentage, no? Then again, as the husband observed, the show is set in California. Bleeding hearts may be CA’s greatest export!

* While the title is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I’ve no doubt that the entire crew of Serenity qualify as terrorists, even absent today’s uber-”inclusive” definition of the term.

** On a side note, I’ve a similar bone to pick with, ahem, Bones. Booth, the Reaganesque FBI agent / former military sniper, wants desperately to believe in America, “the greatest country on earth.” Acknowledging that the government is at turns immoral – repressing dissidents, oppressing marginalized groups, lying to its citizens, violating the constitution, etc. – might mean acknowledging that the many sacrifices Booth made throughout his career were in the service of evil. Yet, as an FBI agent who oftentimes abuses his power, Booth himself is evidence of that which he does not want to believe.

See, for example, Season 5, Episode 12, “The Proof in the Pudding,” in which shadowy government agents (led by an African-American man named “Mr. White”) put the Jeffersonian on lockdown (effectively kidnapping everyone inside) so that Brennan and her team can examine a set of human remains (whom they are forbidden to identify) for cause of death. Available evidence suggests that the bones are those of John F. Kennedy – and that the gunshot wounds in the man’s skull were inflicted by two shooters. Booth refuses to accept that the remains are indeed JFK’s, since this would indicate a massive government cover-up. In the end, Brennan uses “the proof in the pudding” to assure her partner that the skeleton is not that of JFK – though the audience is left wondering. Yet, the mystery man’s identity is moot, given the rest of the plot line. (I.e., is a government that kidnaps its citizens any more trustworthy than one that rewrites history?)

“For my next bit, I shall kick a puppy. Bolstered by your applause, I may urinate on it as well.”
——————————

Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) appeared on The Daily Show last night, ostensibly to discuss health care reform. At one point, the conversation turned towards politics, with Stewart referencing Weiner’s failed 2005 mayoral race against Bloomberg, as well as his decision not to run in 2009, after Bloomberg successfully petitioned the NY City Council to extend existing term limits. The conversation quickly devolved, with two generally progressive men comparing Bloomberg to an enslaved animal, and snickering over animal abuse culminating in murder:

Stewart: Are you – uh – running for mayor? My feeling was you could have defeated Bloomberg in this cycle – uh, but, you did not run. Are you gonna run the next time

Weiner: I could have – I would’ve beaten Bloomberg like a rented mule, [cue raucous audience laughter] but I decided, I uh…[pause for audience cheering; Weiner laughs, Stewart nods head in agreement]

Stewart: Okay, how much does it cost to rent that mule? Because…

Weiner: It’s an expensive mule.

There’s so much speciesism packed into these four (three, really) short sentences; where to begin?

- Mocking abused and enslaved animals? Check.

- Making light of animal abuse? Check.

- Intimating that you yourself would like to beat an animal to death? Check.

- Objectifying a sentient being by referring to him/her as an “it”? Check.

- Unquestioningly referring to an animal as rentable property? Check.

As much as I dislike similar expressions (e.g., “I don’t have a dog in this fight.”; “Let’s kill two birds with one stone.”), comically joking about “beating a rented mule” has got to be one of the worst of the bunch. The image conjured up by this phrase – that of an exhausted, elderly “pack” animal, already worked to the brink of death, being bought, paid for, and used like a punching bag on which to take out one’s frustrations – is pitiful and sickening. To laugh at such misery and suffering is…well, it’s fucked up. Serial killer fucked up.

To be fair, I doubt that Weiner, Stewart and others who callously employ these phrases spend much time deconstructing the comparisons they’re making. But ignorance isn’t an excuse. And words matter.

Video after the jump (fast forward to 4:30 for the fauxgressive bravado):

Alas, Jon Stewart/Comedy Central/the Daily Show interns found this “punch line” so hi-larious that they actually featured it on the video blurb and description.

After watching this interview, I find myself wanting to hit someone, but it sure as hell isn’t an innocent mule, rented or otherwise.

—————–
Videos in this post

The Daily Show – February 4, 2010
Anthony Weiner: If Anthony Weiner had run for mayor of New York City, he would have beaten Mike Bloomberg like a rented mule. (6.52)

Though not nearly as supernatural as its namesake, Bones Season 5, Episode 11 (“The X in the File“) concludes with a deliciously philosophical exchange.

But first, a brief plot summary:

An out-of-this-world case brings Brennan and Booth to New Mexico where they investigate human remains with extraterrestrial attributes. The victim is identified as a local UFO fanatic, known around town for her relentless search for alien life forms and whose latest “evidence” leads even Brennan and Booth to re-think outside existence. Meanwhile, a local sheriff refuses to release the bones, forcing the team at the Jeffersonian to work via satellite, and Angela and Jeffersonian intern Wendell come clean about their relationship.

After the case is wrapped up, Brennan and Booth celebrate with a little star gazing. In the middle of the desert, lounging on the hood of Booth’s car, the two wonder about the possibility that life exists on other planets:

(Brennan and Booth, alternating)

It’s ridiculous to think there’s anything on this planet which merits crossing what are literally astronomical distances.

Do you think aliens are anthropologists? Maybe they just want to study our religion, sex, love, our fine languages and line dancing.

That’s an interesting possibility I hadn’t considered.

They’re living creatures, they like to reach out, Bones.

Living creatures like to reach out and eat each other.

Oh. So what are you saying, that the aliens are going to come down here, and drink our spinal fluid?

Well, if the aliens are advanced enough to fly faster than light, then they can probably make spinal fluid.

You just said that aliens are nice.

Did not.

You just basically said that aliens are nice anthropologists.

I do not think so.

You think that aliens are you!

You got me. I was sent down as an advance scout.

At first, I thought the conversation might veer towards the ethical, with Brennan arguing that the aliens – being of superior intelligence and all – would have earned the right to drink our spinal fluid. After all, this is one of the most common justifications given for our individual and institutionalized exploitation of nonhuman animals (e.g., humans are more evolved, intelligent, refined, civilized, etc. – the “top of the food chain,” “because we can” school of “thought”). Taken to its logical conclusion, this line of reasoning grants a similar license to exploit us “lesser” humans to hypothetical intelligent alien visitors.

Alas, the episode ends on a lighter note. Even so, when Brennan suggests that the aliens could – and would – develop and consume synthetic spinal fluid, and Booth implies that this would indeed be the “nice” thing to do, I can’t help but read this as a subtle plea for veganism: why harm sentient beings for sustenance when you’ve no need? Exploiting just to exploit is “not nice” at best.

Thoughts?

Crossposted from V for Vegan.

Caution: spoilers ahead!

Normally, I’m not one for musicals (Little Shop of Horrors and Grease notwithstanding!). That said, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street struck my fancy right away. Now, I could attribute this to the film’s macabre, Gothic Victorian setting, or to the dynamic star/director duo of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton; and, while these are both ginormous positives, I’d be lying if I said that either of these is what compelled me to dabble in a genre I tend to pass up. Nope, as much as I love a Goth Depp/Burton vehicle, Sweeney Todd reeled this vegan misanthrope in with promises of cannibalism. Cannibalism is the shit.

Sweeney Todd opens with the titular character’s arrival in London. “Return to London,” actually: in a former life, Sweeney Todd was one Benjamin Barker (also a barber). But we’ll get to Barker’s story in a moment.

We first meet Sweeney Todd as he and a young sailor dock in a London port. Whereas Todd’s traveling companion, Anthony, marvels at the beauty of London, Sweeney will have none of it. His gloomy, sullen mood sets the tone for the rest of the film: shades of black, gray and blue, colored only by the red crimson of blood spilt.

No Place Like London

[Anthony]
I have sailed the world,
beheld its wonders
from the Dardanelles,
to the mountains of Peru,
But there’s no place like London!

[Sweeney Todd]
No, there’s no place like London…

[Anthony]
(spoken)
Mr. Todd?

[Sweeney Todd]
(sung)
You are young…
Life has been kind to you…
You will learn.

There’s a hole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren’t worth what a pig can spit
and it goes by the name of London…
At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lonely zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed…
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru
but there’s no place like London!

[Anthony]
(spoken)
Is everything alright Mr. Todd?

[Sweeney Todd]
(spoken)
I beg your indulgence, Antony,
But my mind is far from easy.
And these very streets are
filled with shadows,
Every last one of ‘em.

[Anthony]
(spoken)
Shadows?

[Sweeney Todd]
(sung)
There was a barber and his wife
and she was beautiful…
a foolish barber and his wife.
She was his reason for his life…
and she was beautiful,
and she was virtuous.
And he was naive.

There was another man who saw
that she was beautiful…
A pious vulture of the law
who, with a gesture of his claw,
removed the barber from his plate!
Then there was nothing but to wait!
And she would fall!
So soft!
So young!
So lost
and oh, so beautiful!

[Anthony]
(spoken)
Oh!
The lady, sir, did she, succumb?

[Sweeney Todd]
(sung)
Ah, that was many years ago…
I doubt if anyone would know.

Here, Sweeney Todd and Anthony part company. Still singing contemptuously of “people who are filled with shit,” Sweeney wanders onto Fleet Street, and right into Mrs. Lovett’s Minced Meat Pie Shop. The proud (?) purveyor of “the worst pies in London,” Mrs. Nellie Lovett breaks into a song about pies made of “pet” pussycats and stray animals “dyin’ in the street,” all due to the high “price of meat.” As she prepares a minced meat pie for Sweeney Todd, we’re treated to gratuitous images of bugs crawling on her kitchen counter and right across the dough. The minced “meat,” which Mrs. Lovett scoops into a raw pie with a ladle, looks like slop – not fit for human consumption. Indeed, it takes hard liquor to wash the taste of one of Mrs. Lovett’s pies out of Sweeney’s mouth.

It’s during the next musical number that we learn of the fate of Sweeney Todd’s wife and daughter. Mrs. Lovett’s establishment, you see, sits right under Sweeney’s old apartment.

Poor Thing

[Sweeney Todd]
(spoken)
You got a room over the shop, haven’t you? If times are so hard, why don’t you rent it out?

[Mrs. Lovett]
People think it’s haunted.

[Sweeney Todd]
Haunted?

[Mrs. Lovett]
Yeah. And who’s to say they’re wrong? You see, years ago something happened up here. Something not very nice.
(sung)
There was a barber and his wife.
And he was beautiful…
A proper artist with a knife,
but they transported him for life.
And he was beautiful…
(spoken)
Barker his name was.
Benjamin Barker.

[Sweeney Todd]
(spoken)
What was his crime?

[Mrs. Lovett]
Foolishness…
He had this wife, ya see.
Pretty little thing,
silly little nit.
Had her chance for the moon on a string…
Poor thing!
Poor thing!
There was this judge, ya see…
Wanted her like mad!
Everyday he sent her a flower
But did she come down from her tower?
Sat up there and sulked by the hour
Poor fool!
Ah, but there was worse yet to come
Pure thing!
Well, Beadle calls on her all polite
Poor thing!
Poor thing!
The judge, he tells her, is all contright.
He blames himself for her dreadful plight.
She must come straight to his house tonight!
Poor thing!
Poor thing!
Of course when she goes there…
Poor thing!
Poor thing!
They’re having this ball all in masks.
There’s no one she knows there!
Poor dear!
Poor thing!
She wonders, tormented and drinks!
Poor thing!
The judge has repented, she thinks.
Poor thing!
“Oh where is Judge Turpin?” she asks…
He was there, alright!
Only not so contrite!
She wasn’t no match for such craft, ya see.
And everyone thought it so drull.
They figured she had to be daft, ya see.
So all of them stood there and laughed, ya see!
Poor soul!
Poor thing!

Judge Turpin, coveting Sweeney Todd’s wife, had him imprisoned in exile on false charges. In Todd’s absence, he raped Mrs. Barker, who then – according to Mrs. Lovett – poisoned herself with arsenic. After Mrs. Barker’s tragic end, Turpin assumed guardianship of Barker’s baby daughter.

Upon learning his wife and child’s fate, Sweeney Todd devises a plan to exact revenge upon those who have wronged him. With the help of his trusty friends – a dazzling array of gleaming silver straight razors – Todd plots to revive his barber shop and establish a reputation as the most skilled barber in all of London, thus luring the Judge in for a shave – a shave dripping with “rubies,” that is. (Cue evil laughter.)

In the meantime, the story shifts back to Anthony, idly exploring the streets of London. Stopping to rest on a street-side bench, he spies a beautiful young woman across the way. Perched in the window of a foreboding, castle-like mansion, this Rapunzel-like figure sings a song of melancholy and sadness to the caged bird who flutters about next to her.

Green Finch and Linnett Bird

[Johanna]
Green finch, and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate
sitting in cages
never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits
beckoning!
Beckoning!
Just beyond the bars…
How can you remain
staring at the rain
maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
anything?
How is it you sing?

My cage has many rooms
damask and dark…
Nothing there sings,
not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
when they’re captive.
Teach me to be more
adaptive.
Ah…
Green Finch, and Linnet Bird,
nightingale, blackbird,
teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly…
Let me sing.

Mid-song, the woman notices Anthony noticing her, and her gaze shifts such that she appears to be singing to him. Abruptly, she vanishes from the window, as if interrupted by an intruder (her captor, no doubt). Inquiring of a nearby homeless woman, Anthony learns that “Rapuzel’s” name is Johanna – Johanna, ward of Judge Turpin, who

Keeps her snug he does. All locked up.
So don’t you go trespassin’ there or it’s a good whipping for you
or any other young man with mischief on his mind!

Later that night, lingering just outside Judge Turpin’s gate, Anthony vows to spring Johanna from her prison:

Johanna

[Anthony]
I feel you Johanna
I feel you
Do they think that walls can hide you?
Even now I’m at you window
I am in the dark beside you
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair
Johanna
I’ll steal you
Johanna
I feel you
Johanna
I feel you
Johanna
I’ll steal you

Like her companion the bird, Johanna is a prisoner. No, not just a prisoner: a toy, a plaything, a piece of property. After Mrs. Barker’s demise, Judge Turpin held onto the young girl, imprisoned her in a gilded cage, grooming her for marriage at a later date. (But not late enough: she is 16 years of age, if that.) Johanna is her mother’s “replacement.” She is not a companion, but a pet – like the flightless lark, she has been made slave to the whims of another.

While Anthony promises to rescue Johanna from her prison, he does not offer her liberation. Rather than free her, he intends to steal her: an illegal transfer of property, if you will. Things are bought, sold, traded and thieved; beings are not. Possibly this is just an unfortunate choice of words, forced by a need for rhyme (i.e., “I’ll steal you / I feel you”). Still, in the context of “Green Finch and Linnett Bird” – not to mention, Sweeney Todd’s half of the duo, in which he refers to Johanna as a “lamb” and a “pet” – Anthony’s use of “steal” over “free” or similar seems to be deliberate (and akin to Mrs. Mooney’s theft of the neighborhood cats). As a character, Johanna is never developed into her own person. To us, she’s only presented as the object of a man’s desires, be he her father, her suitor, or her guardian.

Back on Fleet Street, Sweeney Todd’s plans are taking shape. In short order, he challenges the reigning town barber to a shave-off and wins handily, thus cementing his reputation as the most skilled barber in London. His victory does not go unnoticed; Turpin’s associate Beadle Bamford is in attendance, and promises to stop by for a shave. But wait – a hitch! Adolfo Pirelli – the defeated barber and purveyor of Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir – recognizes Sweeney from his days as Benjamin Barker. The first visitor to Sweeney’s shop, Pirelli also becomes Sweeney’s first victim: when Pirelli tries to blackmail Sweeney, the latter responds with violence, slashing Pirelli’s neck open with a straight razor. Unsure how he’ll dispose of the body, he stuffs Pirelli in a trunk for safekeeping.

Shortly thereafter, Turpin himself stops in for a shave. It seems that Bamford encouraged his benefactor to avail himself of Sweeney Todd’s services in order to, ahem, soften the heart of a would-be fiancé. I think you know where this is going.

Ladies and their Sensitivities

[Judge]
(spoken)
Walk home with me, for I have news for you
In order to shield her from the evils of this world,
I have decided to marry Johanna next Monday.

[Beadle]
(spoken)
Ah, sir happy news.

[Judge]
(spoken)
Strange, when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain reluctance.

[Beadle]
(sung)
Excuse me my lord
May I request my lord,
Permission my lord to speak?

Forgive me if I suggest my lord
You’re looking less than your best my lord,
There’s powder upon your vest my lord,
And stubble upon your cheek.

And ladies my lord
Are weak

[Judge]
(spoken)
Perhaps if she greets me cordially upon my return I shall give her a small gift.

[Beadle]
(sung)
Ladies in their sensitivities my lord,
Have a fragile sensibility.
When a girl’s emergent,
Probably it’s urgent,
You differ to her gentility, my lord.

Personal disorder cannot be ignored,
Given their gentile proclivities.
Meaning no offense,
It happens they resents it,
Ladies in their sensitivities my lord.

[Judge]
(spoken)
Stubble you say?
Perhaps at times I am over hasty with my morning ablutions.

[Beadle]
(sung)
Fret not though my lord,
I know a place my lord,
A barber my lord of skill.
Thus armed with a shaven face my lord,
Some eau de cologne to grace my lord,
And musk to enhance the chase my lord,
You’ll dazzle the girl until.

[Judge]
(spoken)
Until??

[Beadle]
(sung)
She bows to your every will

[Judge]
(spoken)
Perhaps you may be right, take me to him.

The next scene, a musical duet between Johanna’s father and her captor/rapist, is one fraught with tension and more than a little nausea born of perversity. In “Pretty Women,” Turpin tells Sweeney all about his “true love,” with whom he is “infatuated,” and to whom he is an “ardent and eager slave.” (As if.) Playing along, biding his time, Sweeney can only smile and harmonize with his adversary, patiently waiting for the moment when steel meets flesh.

Alas, just as Sweeney is about to slash Turpin’s neck clean open, Anthony bursts into the room, a burst of nervous energy interrupting the scene’s climax. Immediately recognizing the boy, Turpin jumps from the chair, ranting and raging about the company Sweeney keeps. He storms from the shop, promising never to return.

Sweeney unleashes his rage on Anthony and Mrs. Lovett in turn, treating each to a verbal lashing; Anthony runs from the shop, while Mrs. Lovett manages to calm Sweeney (but barely). With Turpin gone, Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are left with the dilemma that is Pirelli’s dead body.

A Little Priest

[Mrs. Lovett]
That’s all very well, but what we gonna do about him?

[Sweeney Todd]
Later on when it’s dark, we’ll take it to some secret place and bury him

[Mrs. Lovett]
Oh yeah. Of course we could do that. I don’t ‘spose he’s got any relatives gonna come pokin’ ’round lookin’ for him.
Seems a downright shame…

[Sweeney Todd]
Shame?

[Mrs. Lovett]
Seems an awful waste…
Such a nice, plump frame
Wot’s ‘is name has…
Had…
Has
Nor it can’t be traced…
Bus’ness needs a lift,
Debts to be erased…
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift,
If you get my drift

Seems an awful waste…
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is,
When you get it,
If you get it…

[Sweeney Todd]
Ah!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Good, you got it!

Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!
Bus’ness never better using only pussycats and toast!
Now a pussy’s good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste!

[Simultaneously]

[Sweeney Todd]
Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion

[Mrs. Lovett]
Well, it does seem a waste…

[Sweeney Todd]
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Think about it…

[Sweeney Todd]
Mrs. Lovett, how I’ve lived
Without you all these years, I’ll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Lots of other gentlemen’ll
Soon be comin’ for a shave,
Won’t they?
Think of
All them
Pies!

[Sweeney Todd]
How choice!
How
Rare!
For what’s the sound of the world out there?

[Mrs. Lovett]
What, Mr. Todd?
What, Mr. Todd?
What is that sound?

[Sweeney Todd]
Those crunching noises pervading the air!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around!

[Sweeney Todd]
It’s man devouring man, my dear!

[Both]
And/Then who are we to deny it in here?

[Sweeney Todd]
(spoken) These are desperate times,
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!

[Sweeney Todd]
What is that?

[Mrs. Lovett]
It’s priest. Have a little priest.

[Sweeney Todd]
Is it really good?

[Mrs. Lovett]
Sir, it’s too good, at least!
Then again, they don’t commit sins of the flesh,
So it’s pretty fresh.

[Sweeney Todd]
Awful lot of fat.

[Mrs. Lovett]
Only where it sat.

[Sweeney Todd]
Haven’t you got poet, or something like that?

[Mrs. Lovett]
No, y’see, the trouble with poet is
‘Ow do you know it’s deceased?
Try the priest!

Lawyer’s rather nice.

[Sweeney Todd]
If it’s for a price.

[Mrs. Lovett]
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!

[Sweeney Todd]
Anything that’s lean?

[Mrs. Lovett]
Well, then, if you’re British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it’s clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it’s been!

[Sweeney Todd]
Is that squire, on the fire?

[Mrs. Lovett]
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You’ll notice it’s grocer!

[Sweeney Todd]
Looks thicker,
More like vicar!

[Mrs. Lovett]
No, it has to be grocer –
It’s green!

[Sweeney Todd]
The history of the world, my love –

[Mrs. Lovett]
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!

[Sweeney Todd]
Is those below serving those up above!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Ev’rybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!

[Sweeney Todd]
How gratifying for once to know

[Both]
That those above will serve those down below!

[Sweeney Todd]
What is that?

[Mrs. Lovett]
It’s fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd’s pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I’ve just begun –
Here’s the politician, so oily
It’s served with a doily,
Have one!

[Sweeney Todd]
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it’s going to run!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Try the friar,
Fried, it’s drier!

[Sweeney Todd]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Then actor,
It’s compacter!

[Sweeney Todd]
Ah but always arrives overdone!
(spoken) I’ll come again when you have judge on the menu!

(singing) Have charity towards the world, my pet!

[Mrs. Lovett]
Yes, yes, I know, my love!

[Sweeney Todd]
We’ll take the customers that we can get!

[Mrs. Lovett]
High-born and low, my love!

[Sweeney Todd]
We’ll not discriminate great from small!
No, we’ll serve anyone,
Meaning anyone,

[Both]
And to anyone
At all!

Possibly this is my favorite number in the film; Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett ogle the Englishmen and women walking the street, wondering aloud which bodies might yield the tastiest flesh – much like shoppers browsing the different “cuts” of animal corpse displayed in front of a butcher’s counter. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: nonhuman animals are no more and no less “meat” than are humans. We’re all made of the same yummy stuff – and we’re all a potential meal to someone else.

Of course, Sweeney doesn’t act on a secret agenda of animal liberation; rather, he’s just a bitter and vengeful man, miserable in his old(er) age – and can you really blame him? However, after the cause of and would-be/should-be outlet for his anger escapes unharmed, he begins to take revenge on all the men of London.

[Sung angry]
There’s a hole in the world like a great black pit,
and it’s filled with people who are filled with shit,
and the vermin of the world inhabit it.
But not for long…

[Morbid thoughts, sung]
They all deserve to die.
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two.
There’s the one staying put in his proper place and the one with his foot in the other one’s face.
Look at me, Mrs. Lovett, look at you.
Now we all deserve to die.
Even you, Mrs. Lovett, even I.
Because of the lives of the wicked should be made brief.
For the rest of us death will be a relief.
We all deserve to die!

In order to maximize the efficiency (and secrecy) of their “slaughterhouse,” Sweeney constructs a trap door in front of his barber chair. Once he’s slaughtered an unwitting victim, he simply tilts the chair forward, thus dumping “his” corpse down a chute to the basement below the building. There, Mrs. Lovett dismembers, processes and bakes the bodies into all manner of delicious minced meat pies, turning her shop into an overnight success.

Ladies and gentlemen,
May I have your attention, please?
Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well
At that delicate, luscious ambrosial smell?
Yes they are, I can tell.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
That aroma enriching the breeze
Is like nothing compared to its succulent source,
As the gourmets among you will tell you, of course.

Ladies and gentlemen,
You can’t imagine the rapture in store
Just inside of this door!

You might even say the deaths of Sweeney’s victims are more “humane” than those of the ten billion land animals Americans enslave, torture, slaughter, process and consume every year. Unlike virtually all of these animals, Sweeney’s “meat products” lived truly free-range existences prior to their deaths, were not cognizant of their fates until the very end, and thus suffered very little in comparison to our “food” animals. “Happy meat,” anyone?

Anyhow, as Sweeney commences with the bloodletting, Anthony and Johanna devise a plan to run away together. Given that the plan unfolds in the context of a dark comedy, naturally, it’s doomed from the start. Foiled by Turpin, Johanna is committed to a mental institution. No, “mental institution” is too kind a word – an insane asylum. Desperate, Anthony turns to Sweeney Todd for help. Sweeney proposes a plan: Anthony should visit the asylum disguised as a wig-maker’s apprentice, in search of women’s hair to purchase for use in wigs. Once inside, he can escape with Johanna.

Happily, Sweeney’s scheme works – and yet, he does not live long enough to reunite with his estranged daughter. Anthony rushes Johanna back to the barber shop, hiding her in the empty room while he heads out in search of a carriage. Subsequently, the homeless woman – a constant in the story’s background – heads up in search of Johanna, who hides from the stranger in the same trunk that once held Pirelli’s body. (You’ve got to wonder what she thought of all that blood!) As the woman flits about the room, Sweeney bursts in; the two exchange few words

[Sweeney Todd]
(spoken)
who are you? What are you doing here?

[Beggar Woman]
(spoken)
Evil it is, Sir. the stink of evil from below! From her! she’s the devil’s wife! beware of her sir. She, with no pity in her
heart!
(sung)
hey, don’t i know you mister?

before he slits her throat, too. Down the chute she goes, a beggar no more.

In bursts Turpin, hot on Johanna’s heels. Sweeney is able to entice him into the barber’s chair for a second round; this time, Sweeney emerges victorious. He slays Turpin and disposes of his body down the chute, where it falls with a thud on that of the homeless woman. Johanna witnesses the murder – and Sweeney witnesses her witnessing the murder. Dressed in men’s clothing, Sweeney mistakes his daughter for a young boy, and threatens her with his straight razor. Before he can harm his “pet,” a scream arises from the basement, and Sweeney rushes downstairs to find Mrs. Lovett shuffling the two corpses around. (The reason for her fright? It seems that Mr. Turpin was still alive and kicking upon arriving in the oven room. No matter, Mrs. Lovett dispatched of him forthwith.)

Now stooping to get a better look at the homeless woman – his first and only female victim – Sweeney Todd recognizes a face from his past.

[Sweeney Todd]
(spoken)
“Don’t I know you”, she said… you knew she lived.

[Mrs. Lovett]
(spoken)
I was only thinking of you

[Sweeney Todd]
(spoken)
you lied to me

[Mrs. Lovett]
no, no, not lied at all
no I never lied

[Sweeney Todd & Mrs. Lovett]
Lucy, said she took a
poison, she did,
I’ve never said that she
died! poor thing,
come she lived, but it
left her weak in the
home head all she did for
months was just lie
again there in bed. should
have been in
Lucy! hospital, wound up
in Bedlam instead
oh my poor thing, better
you should think she
God was dead, yes I lied
cause I love you.
Lucy I’d be twice the
wife she was I
what love you. could that
thing have cared for
have I you, like me?
done?

As their final duet reaches a crescendo – and the pair inch almost imperceptibly towards the oven, door open, fire raging – Sweeney Todd hurls Mrs. Lovett into the inferno, where she melts into the flames.

Having dispensed of the “Devil’s Wife,” Sweeney kneels beside his own wife, cradling her body in his arms. Out of the shadows of the sewer, Mrs. Lovett’s helper boy/surrogate son Toby comes, straight razor in hand. In the film’s final moments, Sweeney meets the same end as that of his countless victims, including Lucy, his “reason and his life.”

Amid the morbid, cannibalistic comedy lurks a commentary on the corrupting nature of hate, violence and vengeance. Consumed by the need for revenge, Sweeney did not see the possibilities for redemption that lay before him. His wife and daughter were still alive, still in need of him; and while life could never be as it once was, they Barkers might still have (re)built their family. Man the destroyer, vs. man the nurturer.

Also part of this twist is the Devil’s Wife, Mrs. Lovett. While young Toby, suspecting Sweeney of mass murder, fears for his adopted mother, in truth Toby should have been terrified of the both of them. They fed into one another’s “black pits,” creating a monster. (Although I’m afraid that there’s no small amount of misogyny in the story’s suggestion that Mrs. Lovett – the “seductress” – corrupted Sweeney Todd. To the extent that it does, anyhow; I suppose it’s open to multiple readings.)

Of course, there’s also the unfortunate use of “vermin” to denote death, decay and rottenness. While rats do thrive in unsanitary environs, they do not create these conditions; no, I am afraid that that is the job of humans!

Nor does the film pass the Bechdel test or include any people not of European descent.

Crossposted from V for Vegan.

Caution: Major spoilers ahead.

While The Men Who Stare at Goats is by no means an animal rights or overtly anti-vivisection movie, it does (happily!) have a few animal-friendly moments.

Based on a 2004 book of the same name by journalist Jon Ronson, the film is a dramatized account of Ronson’s investigation into “psychic” warfare experiments conducted by the U.S. military in the ’70s and ’80s. Ostensibly a story for the skeptic set (indeed, that’s why the husband and I saw it in the theater), the film also at turns sentimentalizes the “free love,” hippie sensibilities and mysticism of the ’60s and ’70s. (Indeed, it concludes on a disappointingly “anything is possible if you believe” note.)

Anyhow, along with all the “flower power” comes not a little tree- and animal-hugging. Goat-hugging, to be more specific: because the army’s more “practical” experiments involve trauma training carried out on live animals, the medical school’s in-house goats also play a role in the aforementioned psychic experimentation – the purposes of which isn’t nearly as sadistic as the trailers let on.

Lest I get ahead of myself, here’s a brief synopsis, via Wiki:

The film follows Ann Arbor Daily Telegram reporter Bob Wilton (Ewan McGregor), who one day interviews Gus Lacey, a man who claims to have psychic abilities. Bob shrugs Lacey off as crazy. Soon after, Bob’s wife leaves him for his one-armed editor. Bob, out of anger, flies to Kuwait to investigate the Iraq War. However, he stumbles onto the story of a lifetime when he meets Special Forces operator, Lyn Cassady (George Clooney). Lyn reveals that he was part of an American army unit training psychic spies (or “Jedi Warriors”), trained to develop a range of parapsychological skills including invisibility, remote viewing, cloud bursting, walking through walls, and intuition.

The founder of this unit, Bill Django (Jeff Bridges), traveled across America in the 1970s for six years exploring a range of New Age movements (including the Human potential movement), because of a vision he received after getting shot during the Vietnam War, and used these experiences to found the New Earth Army. In the 1980s, two of Django’s best recruits were Lyn Cassady and Larry Hooper (Kevin Spacey), who developed a lifelong rivalry because of their opposing views of how to implement the New Earth Army philosophy; Lyn wanted to emphasize the positive side of the teachings, whereas Larry was more interested in the dark side of the philosophy.

In the early 2000s Bob and Lyn embark on a new mission in Iraq, where they are kidnapped by a criminal gang. They escape with fellow kidnapping victim Mahmud Daash (Waleed Zuaiter) and get rescued by a private security firm led by Todd Nixon (Robert Patrick), but get caught up in a firefight between Todd’s security firm and a rival security firm; this would later be known as the “Battle of Ramadi.” Mahmud, Bob and Lyn escape from the firefight and go to Mahmud’s house, which has been shot up by soldiers. From there Bob and Lyn leave to continue on Lyn’s vague mission involving a vision he had of Bill Django.

Here it’s worth noting that Cassady recounts the story of Django and the New Earth Army as his Iraqi adventure with Wilton unfolds in parallel. Both tales begin on a light, humorous note, eventually taking turns for the worse. While the trailers and media interviews done in promotion of the movie tend to emphasize the New Earth Army’s more nefarious projects, Django began the program with the best of intentions: namely, achieving world peace through love and understanding. A laudable goal, to be sure – even if its implementation proved somewhat ridiculous.

However, Hooper eventually betrays Django, assuming control of the New Earth Army in order to corrupt it. (Think of Django as Obi-Wan Kenobi to Cassady’s Luke Sywalker and Hooper’s Darth Vader.) The peace, love and understanding of Django’s ’60s and ’70s give way to the greed, militarization and subjugation of – what? The Reagen ’80s? The Clinton ’90s? The Bush ’00s? All of the above? Take your pick! (The Men Who Stare at Goats is, if not anti-war, at least anti-torture.)

Point being, the original recruits to the New Earthy Army enlisted in order to make love – not war. Whereas the The Men Who Stare at Goats advertising blitz paints the New Earth Army soldiers as hyper-masculine parodies of military men, bent on defeating – nay, annihilating! – the enemy through mind control and super-scary bio-psychic combat, the program’s impetus was the polar opposite of this. The operation’s very name – the New Earth Army – is indicative of this “higher calling.”
 

The struggle between the Light and Dark sides is perhaps most eloquently played out on the body of a goat. After Django’s departure from the military, Hooper is placed in command of the New Earth Army. Under Hooper’s orders, Cassady reluctantly “stares” one of the goats from the trauma lab “to death” – supposedly, he makes her heart explode with his mind. (Groovy, man!) In retelling his story to Wilton, Cassady points to the goat’s needless death as the moment the New Earth Army fell to the Dark Side. Memories of “murdering” the goat evoke feelings of shame and guilt in Cassady. The goat didn’t need to die; she was an innocent. In killing her, Cassady abused his power and violated the tenants of the New Earth Army.

I filed this post under “Intersections” because of the linkages drawn here: the goat’s murder sets off a chain reaction that leads to the abuse, oppression and torture of countless “others” – many of them human. Violence begets violence.

This is only one of two goat-hugging scenes, however. As you were, Wiki:

After their car hits an IED, Bob and Lyn wander in the desert where Lyn reveals a terrible secret to Bob: Lyn was asked to stop a goat’s heart to test the limit of his mental abilities. Lyn had decided against it, but was compelled to try to accomplish the feat and stared at the goat intently. Lyn managed to stop the goat’s heart, but felt that what he did was inhumane and against the entire purpose of the New Earth Army. Lyn left the Army, believing that he and the other New Earth soldiers were cursed and his powers were gone because of that fateful episode. After spending a few days in the desert, Bob and Lyn get rescued and rehabilitated at a camp run by PSIC, a private research firm engaged in psychological and psychic experiments on a herd of goats and some captured locals. To Lyn’s dismay, Larry Hooper runs the firm and employs a now depressed and alcoholic Django.

Bob spends time with Django and learns the ways of the New Earth Army and together they spike the water and food of the base with LSD and free both the goats and captured locals. Following this, Lyn and Django fly off in a Bell JetRanger helicopter, but not before trusting Bob with the duty of making sure his story reaches the public. Bob reveals that neither Lyn nor Django were ever heard from again, believed to have crashed their helicopter.

The audience realizes that Hooper has graduated to human test subjects when Wilton stumbles upon back rooms filled with imprisoned Middle Eastern men. (Unlike the Wiki reviewer, I read them as suspected “terrorists” whose torture was sanctioned by the U.S. military, as opposed to kidnapped locals. Not this this is any better, mind you.) Inside the tiny, barren cells, the men are exposed to a seemingly never-ending loop of violent audiovisual imagery; the experiments appear to involve sleep deprivation and/or sensory over-stimulation of some sort. (Similar to the brainwashing/torture Benjamin Linus visited upon his daughter’s boyfriend Karl in Lost; see Season 3, Episode 7 – Not in Portland. February, you cannot get here soon enough!)

Naturally, both Wilton and Cassady are horrified at this turn of events, not to mention Django’s cooptation by the enemy. High on LSD, they free Hooper’s prisoners – humans and nonhumans alike. While this scene is a bit melodramatic, I couldn’t help but get a little choked up at the liberation of the goats. Sure, the goats were perhaps an afterthought – but at least they were, in the end, deserving of moral consideration.

Before closing this review out, I should add that the animal labs are one aspect of the story that isn’t made up. The U.S. military has a long history of vivisecting nonhuman animals; they still do so, in fact.

As much as I hate linking to PETA:

Every year, the U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) conducts trauma and chemical-casualty training exercises in which animals are used as “stand-ins” for wounded soldiers. Medical officers at military installations across the nation critically injure thousands of live animals before killing them. In trauma training exercises, live pigs are shot, stabbed, and set on fire and live goats have their legs broken with bolt cutters and cut off with shears. During chemical-casualty training exercises, live monkeys are poisoned with harmful chemicals. These animals are also often forced to suffer through hellish conditions as they are transported to facilities for this training.

The DoD is putting soldiers’ lives at risk by using animals in these experiments. The anatomies and physiologies of pigs, goats, and monkeys are drastically different than those of humans; therefore, these animals will respond differently to treatments than humans would.

There are numerous non-animal training methods available, including rotations in civilian trauma centers; the Combat Trauma Patient Simulation system (CTPS); the Simulab Corporation’s TraumaMan system; and Dr. Emad Aboud’s “living” cadaver model, which Dr. Aboud has personally demonstrated for the Army.

Neither the Air Force Expeditionary Medical Skills Institute’s Center for Sustainment of Trauma and Readiness Skills nor the Navy Trauma Training Center use animals for trauma training—more proof that it is not necessary to use animals in order to teach these treatment skills.

While pigs seem to be the most common victims today, they’re merely the “new goats”; in this vein, then, The Men Who Stare at Goats is spot-on. When we’re first introduced to the goats, a soldier from the animals lab says ruefully, “We used to use dogs, but you try shooting a dog while he’s licking your hand.” Cut to crazy adorable footage of an oversized puppy giving doggy kisses to a manly man soldier wielding a comically large (in comparison to the pup) gun, his eyes welling with tears. The audience is meant to laugh, but the fact remains: pigs are as intelligent as dogs (if not more so), and are quite dog-like in their behavior (as anyone who’s been following the happy tails of Izzy and Morty knows). Besides, be she dog, pig, goat, cow, chicken or girl, all animals are alike in every way that matters: all share the ability to think, feel, bond, relate – and suffer. Trauma training on a pig is no better and no worse than that on a goat, puppy or person.

For more on the military’s use and abuse on nonhuman animals – including opportunities to take action – see:

PCRM: Improving Military Medicine, including Be Part of Citizen Lobbyist Week: Jan. 11-15, 2010

PETA: Trauma Training 101, including this action alert: Tell Congress to End Military Trauma Training on Animals

Kinship Circle: Stop The Military’s War On Innocents and STOP THE U.S. MILITARY FROM USING LIVE ANIMALS

The Petition Site: Ban Military Trauma Exercises on Animals

HSUS: Live Pigs Shot for Military Trauma Exercise and Questions and Answers About Medical Training Using Animals

Finally – and just because, as y’all no doubt are already aware, I have a raging hard-on for everything The Colbert Report – here are a few segments Stephen did on the (fluffyfunpsychic) goat labs back in September.

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Videos in this post

‘Men Who Stare at Goats’ Trailer HD
The story of a secret unit within the US Army called the First Earth Battalion, whose paranormal military ideas mutated over the decades to influence interrogation techniques at Guantanamo Bay.

The Colbert Report, Thursday, September 17, 2009 – Goat Lab
Stephen resurrects the U.S. military technique of staring at a goat to make its heart explode. (03:35)

The Colbert Report, Thursday, September 17, 2009 – Goat Lab – Jon Ronson
Jon Ronson explains why the U.S. military trained soldiers to use sparkly eyes on the enemy and kill goats with their minds. (04:24)

Oh, how the writers at The Colbert Report continue to warm my heathen vegan feminist cockles! (Dear mystery vegetarian/vegan on Stephen’s staff: Call me, mkay?)

Tuesday’s episode of The Colbert Report featured this hilarious send-up of Glenn Beck & Co.’s recent gold investment advertising-slash-infomercial media blitz. While the entire six-minute segment is amusing, gold obviously isn’t our primary focus here; no, the trenchant-as-hell bit starts at 4:15:
 

 
For those who aren’t card-carrying members of The Colbert Nation, allow me to set the bit up for you. “Prescott Financial” is a spinoff of “Prescott Pharmaceuticals,” a spoof company that “sponsors” a long-running segment on TCR, “Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen Colbert, DFA.” In “Cheating Death,” Stephen reports on actual medical stories, which are then used to promote medical breakthrough products offered by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Ridiculously fake medical breakthrough products, with equally ridiculous and fake side effects, that is.

Likewise, in this fake ad from Prescott Financial, spokesperson John Slattery recommends investing in gold as a safeguard against the coming apocalypse. While gold’s appeal may be “elemental” (A! U!), even this most precious metal’s value is limited. For example, you can’t eat gold. Thus, Slattery recommends rounding out your portfolio with women and sheep as well as gold doubloons and bricks.

Here’s a transcript of the “commercial,” for those who can’t view the video. (But if you can, you must!)

Hello, I’m John Slattery for Prescott Financial.

The global economic crisis has left investors with few places to safeguard their wealth. It seems no investment is safe. Except one: GOLD. Gold is the only investment that will never lose its value because…IT’S GOLD. [Holding up brick of gold.] Look at it. It’s shiny.

Yes, after our propped-up banks fail, gold will be the only law in the afterscape. So ask yourself: When the shit goes down, what do you want in the briefcase handcuffed to your arm? [Holding up a black briefcase handcuffed to his wrist and winking.] GOLD.

But even gold can take you only so far. To ensure the survival of your bloodline, you’ll want to diversify your portfolio with…WOMEN. They have agile hands, a strong work ethic, and can be traded for potable water and ammunition. Or: GOLD.

But you can’t eat gold – and shouldn’t eating women be a last resort? That’s why Prescott also recommends: SHEEP. [Cue: A live sheep on a rope tether. Baaaaa!] Excellent pack animals, that produce fine wool for warmth, their bones can be fashioned into tools. Not to mention, they make a fine companion if someone steals your women. I named this one GOLDIE.

GOLD. WOMEN. SHEEP. Will you be ready? Call Prescott today.

Most likely, viewers who think of nonhuman animals as “livestock” and “natural resources” to be exploited will only guffaw at the absurdity of investing in women; sheep, not so much.

After all, humans invest in nonhuman animals every day: Tyson, Proctor & Gamble, your local “zoo,” etc., etc., etc. Animal exploitation is a matter of course, a way of life. And, while women, people of color, and impoverished people have also been bought, sold and traded in a similar manner throughout human history and in various cultures, largely we like to think of this as occurring in the distant past – a curious practice of a bygone era. We’re more “civilized” than that, right?

Except that humans are still bought, sold and traded in these “modern” times, and in industrialized nations as well as developing ones. (See: sexual slavery; human trafficking; and the FLDS church – for starters.) Even modern-day marriage is a vestige of a system wherein women were considered property to be transferred from their fathers to their husbands. The property status of women is still reflected in societal attitudes towards spousal rape (e.g., that it’s not possible for one spouse to rape another, because marriage involves the contracting of “conjugal rights”; that spousal rape is a “lesser” form of rape, etc.).

Anyhow, perhaps it’s just because I’m motivated to read the spoof commercial in such a manner, but it seems that TCR is linking the objectification of nonhuman animals and women by placing them both in the same category as an actual object, i.e., gold. The concept of “women-as-investments” is silly because we know that women are sentient, emotive, intelligent, individual beings. But so, too, are nonhuman animals: sheep, cows, pigs, chickens, fishes – all develop relationships with other animals, all give birth to and nurture their young, all are capable of forming and acting on thoughts, and – perhaps most importantly – all are capable of experiencing pain and suffering. The idea of eating women (even women that/whom you own) is abhorrent; a last resort. Why, then, should it be any different with nonhuman animals?

Women are not objects, tools or pieces of property. Neither are sheep.

While The Colbert Reports rarely fails to make me swoon, this recent segment from The Daily Show had me yelling at the teevee.
 

Now, my thoughts on in vitro meat are complex and conflicted; I understand and sympathize with both sides of the vegan divide. Still, I find Jon’s mocking tone – not to mention, his insistence that lab-grown meat is science solely in service of humans, rather than the 10 billion nonhuman domesticated land animals slaughtered for food every year in the U.S. – is somewhat offensive. (Eliminating factory farming is akin to sausage and pancakes on a stick? For reals!?) Nonhuman animals – you know, the “meat” – were completely invisible to the discussion. Absent referent much, Jon?

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Videos in this post

The Colbert Report, Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Prescott Financial Sells Gold, Women & Sheep – John Slattery for Prescott Financial urges you to diversify your gold portfolio with women and sheep. (06:15)

The Daily Show, December 2, 2009
We Did It! – Artificial Meat – Scientists create artificial meat that’s five years away from being suitable for sausage. (03:10)